[identity profile] arashikuro.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] blackstormfics
Title: Stupid Driver (and Some Stupid Passengers)
Pairing: Mostly Arashi Gen, (a bit of) Yama
Rating: PG-13 (language, dirty references)
Length: 1370 words
Genre: Crack, Gen
Summary: Arashi is on a vacation in New York! And somehow they can't even find their way to the city...
Requested by [livejournal.com profile] mizumi10

Yes, the dick statue is real: http://weirdus.com/states/new_york/roadside_oddities/gigantic_genetalia/index.php
Sorry for the font changing in the middle, I'm too tired to fix it now.


Sakurai, didnt you just take a wrong turn?
What? No I didnt!
Im pretty certain you got off at the wrong exit.
No, that is definitely where my directions said to turn.
Matsujun, trust him. He knows where were going.
Alright, fine.


Sho did not, in fact, have a clue where he was going. Unbeknownst to him, of course.

Arashi were headed to New York City – they all had the same three days off and decided to go together. They were supposed to be driving into the city but...

Sho, this sure doesnt look like the city. The route they were on was starting to look more and more rural.
Im sure its just up ahead.
Sho, theres no way its up ahead. Wed be able to see it from here.
No, no its fine. Were going the right way, I promise.


Sho did not keep that promise.

They kept driving for several more minutes.
Sho, why is there a giant dick outside?
Aiba, thats not a dick. Its a fountain.
Some fountain.
No, Sho look! Its cumming!
Aiba it is not- oh my god it is.
Everyone in the car burst out laughing.
America is weird...


Sakurai, just ask for directions. You have no clue where youre going.
No, I can find it myself.
So you admit that youre lost!
Well...
Shooooo, my 3DS is going to die soon! I need to get to the hotel to charge it!
Sho, at least turn around.
Sho sighed and turned the car around.
Now what are you planning on doing?
Getting back on the highway.
To get off at the wrong exit again?
Sho ignored Jun and went back on the highway. And got off at what appeared to be another wrong exit.
"DAMMIT SAKURAI GET OVER YOUR PRIDE AND ASK SOMEONE!"
"MY 3DS DIED!"
"MY LEGS ARE CRAMPING!"
"I'm hungry..."
"Alright, alright I'll stop so you guys can ask."
"So we can ask? I thought you were the one who's fluent in English!"
"Well, about that..." Sho chuckled nervously.
Jun was seriously considering slamming his head into the window.
"It's fine, I'll ask."
"But who should we ask? There's no one around..."
"Well if we were in the city like we're supposed to be, there'd be people around!"
"But Aiba, if we were in the city we wouldn't need to ask anyone anything."
"That's beside the point!"
"Just stop at this house. We'll knock on the door."
The Kaze trio climbed out of the car and walked up to the door. Aiba rang the doorbell.
"Do you think they heard it? Because I didn't."
"Aiba, the bell is inside, of course you wouldn't hear it."
"But you usually can hear it from outside... Maybe it's broken."
Aiba pressed the doorbell multiple times.
"AIBA! Stop, stop!"
What sounded like the low barks of a very large dog could now be heard.
"Shit, let's go."
They ran back over to the car, only to find an unexpected sight inside.
"HEY! Unlock the door!"
"And get a room!"
"You seriously sent us to get directions so you could make out with Ohno!?!"
"Sorry..." Sho blushed.
Ohno was laughing.
"Nuh-uh. This ain't happening."
Jun forcefully dragged Ohno out of the car and threw him in the backseat with Aiba and Nino. Jun gracefully sat down in the front, kicking his legs up on the dashboard.
"No wonder Sho offered to share a room with Ohchan."
"Eh? We're sharing a room?"
Sho nodded slightly, blush darkening.
"Ah..."
Ohno spaced out with the most lewd expression on his face.

"Try that house."
"It kind of looks like a dump."
"All of the houses on this road look like dumps. Come on, let's go."
Everyone got out of the car this time and they all walked towards the door. Suddenly an old man with a hunting rifle flung said door open and stormed outside.
"GET OFF OF MY LAWN!!!"
All five members let out high-pitched shrieks. They each yelled sorry repeatedly as they ran to the car.
"DRIVE, SAKURAI."
Sho fumbled with the keys for a few seconds before steadying his hand enough to start the car. He drove off at the posted speed limit of 20mph.
"FASTER, YOU IDIOT!"
"DO YOU WANT TO GET ARRESTED IN AMERICA?!?!"
"DO YOU WANT TO GET KILLED HERE?!?!?!?!"
"Guys, calm down. The guy went back in his house anyway."
"He could've been going back in to get his keys to chase us down!"
"I can't believe you got us in this situation, Nino!"
"How was I supposed to know he had a gun?! We're not in the south! And you didn't exactly oppose the idea either!"
"Wait... Are we so lost that we ended up in the southern US?!?!"
"No, you idiot! America is way too big for that!"
"We'll never get to the city at this rate..."

************************************************************************
“Oh, look, a McDonald’s!”
Finally a place we recognize...
Shall we go inside?
Nah, lets go through the drive-thru instead.
Sho drove around the back of the McDonalds. It turns out that this particular McDonalds did not have a drive-thru. Instead what they found behind the building was a group of teenagers smoking pot.
TURN AROUND! GET AWAY FROM HERE!
Ohno panicked, not wanting a part two of his marijuana scandal.
Sho turned around quickly and drove away.
Lets find somewhere else to eat."

Conveniently, there was a Burger King a few miles ahead.
Too bad, I like McDonalds better.
Its not my fault they were smoking pot!
Satoshi, theres no way anyone wouldve seen you with those guys. Were in America. No one knows us here.
OMG ITS MATUSJUN! Two girls shrieked and ran towards the members.
Nino sighed.
Well, most people dont know us anyway.
The members bolted back to the car and drove off once more.

A hotel!
Maybe they can give us directions?
Despite his poor memory of the English language, Sho somehow managed to ask for directions to the city. The person at the front desk handed him a map. Meanwhile, Ohno bought some snacks at a vending machine.

Can anyone read this?
I can. Let me drive.
No, Nino, you didnt get your licensed transferred! You cant drive here!
No one will know.
I trust Nino to drive more than I trust you at this point.
That was a mistake.


Nino, never having driven in a country where you drive on the right side of the road, struggled greatly. After turning way too widely on a right turn, nearly hitting the car coming the opposite way, the others freaked out and forced him to pull over.
You idiot!
Calm down J! Jeez it wasnt that bad.
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DIE~!
Ohno patted Aiba on the shoulder to console him.
Nino, how about you give me the directions while I drive?
...Fine.

Somehow, though it didnt seem possible, they started to go in the right direction. It wasnt long before they could see skyscrapers off in the distance.
WE MADE IT RIIDA! Aiba wrapped his arms around Ohno.
Woo!
Jun rolled his eyes.
You idiots do realize that you now have to find where our hotel is, right?
For fucks sake...

Date: 2017-01-30 06:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agustin1982.livejournal.com
hahahaha ~~~
really baka :D
and Yama.............so naughty :D :D :D

Date: 2017-01-30 07:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kuronokeiko.livejournal.com

Hahahahaha... they always got the chance.. #yama
LOL XD

Date: 2017-01-30 10:17 am (UTC)
learashi: (Glasses! Jun)
From: [personal profile] learashi
Seriously Sho and Ohno. Making out when disaster is looming? Well played gentlemen.
That was hilariously awesome. 💕

Date: 2017-01-31 03:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] piggywhale.livejournal.com
Somehow I still would trust Niko to drive and lead in America. Even if he almost hit another car in here. It's not his fault, really, we all need some time to get used to the different driving side :D

This is so lovely. I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for writing and sharing!

Date: 2017-01-31 05:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] syaresa98.livejournal.com

Hahahahaha.. jun is so annoyed, and yama pair?? !! 😍😍😍😍😍

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